Today in Class 2
by Lookinglass
Summary: It's a typical school day for Asano Keigo, who's in for some girl-hunting, when he comes across the "new students." Karakura High is about to face a handful of shinigami and arrancar ready to barge in uninvited.
1. Unwelcome Students

**Chapter One**

**Unwelcome Students**

It was a beautiful day. Asano Keigo skipped past the Karakura High School gate, doing a little twirl, bonking into an annoyed Ichigo. He pranced over to fling his arms over Mizuiro and Ichigo with a "Good morning, my friends! Today is another day of charming beautiful ladies!"

Mizuiro smiled and turned to Ichigo. "You came to school today," he said.

Ichigo had a brooding expression.

Keigo inhaled deeply, hoping to catch the fresh scent of pretty girls (the kind with the slim legs and ample bust). Cute girls with large, bright eyes and tiny frames. Pretty girls with heart faces and cherry-bud lips. Beautiful girls with confident strides and long hair to toss behind their shoulders…

There was an abrupt halt to Keigo's daydream as the entire schoolyard fell quiet. All the students parted to make a path as a group approached the school, walking in fast strides.

Leading the group was a scowling boy with his crimson hair in a high ponytail and the most outrageous tattoos. At his right was another weird boy with a look of pure happiness as he gazed into his handmirror, curling his feathered eyebrow. Next to the peacock boy was a golden-haired girl with breasts that could outmatch Orihime's. She peered around, hand cupped over her eyes, as she searched through the crowd. Supporting the back was a tall boy with a shiny, bald head. He glowered whenever students stared at the reflective surface of his bald head, pointing his wooden sword at them.

"Captain Hitsugaya is in the elementary building, right?" Renji asked. "We got a phone call about how he was ditching every class."

Rangiku perked up. "Ichigo!" she called out, waving at them.

Ichigo turned his head the other way, wishing as hard as he could that they might overlook him.

"Rangiku-sama!" Keigo squealed, rushing over with his hands out, ready to grope.

Rangiku karate-chopped him in the face.

This was the new group that had transferred over to Karakura High a few weeks ago. From the beginning, they seemed to be well-acquainted with Kurosaki-kun, who tried to avoid them as much as possible.

But what was even stranger than the transfer students were the students who suddenly appeared at school one day. No one noticed their unexplained appearance. All the other students acknowledged their existence as if they had been here all along.

All except for a few. Ichigo had noticed it; the day _they_ first appeared at school, he reacted with shock, but immediately set up a wary countenance. Even a few others like Inoue Orihime, Chad, maybe Tatsuki, and Ishida Uryuu (who had nearly jumped out of his seat) knew something was wrong.

Keigo sat frozen in his seat, cold sweat trickling down his back. Behind him was one of the "new students." Feet on the desk, indoor shoes loosely worn, leaning back against his chair, was a blue-haired boy with matching blue eyes and markings. His shirt was unbuttoned and crusted with dark stuff (which Keigo suspected as dried blood), his tie was missing, and his pant legs rolled up. Keigo had never seen him before in his entire life but when he asked his classmate who the blue-haired boy was, the other boy quaked.

"You don't know Grimmjaw Jeagerjacques?" the boy hissed. "He's number one at our school—in the whole district! Even the teachers are scared of him."

Keigo looked at Grimmjaw with newfound terror.

Grimmjaw, though, was never in class. Others speculated he was either smoking in the school backyard or beating up delinquents from other schools. But in the rare occasion he was in class, he could hardly sit still. He would always be crumpling up old homework and throwing note wads with LET'S FIGHT written in bad penmanship at Ichigo, who automatically deflected the paper balls with his notebook.

Two seats across from Grimmjaw, at the end corner of the room was another "new student." A black-haired boy with acid-green eyes and tear-like markings running down his face sat at his seat, speaking not a single word. He had a deadpan expression that rarely changed and like the other "new students," he was avoided by the student population. Whenever someone dared to approach him, he'd glance at them once and then utter one word,

"Trash."

"Ulquiorra Schiffer?" said the same classmate. "You don't remember him either? He's that genius who transferred from Germany last year."

Keigo learned to remember the name Ulquiorra Schiffer. That was the name situated at the very top when the examination rankings were posted. Right above Ishida Uryuu, who sank to the ground in defeat when he saw the results.

At the moment, Ulquiorra was reading a book, turning the pages slowly with his long pale fingers. Keigo craned his neck to see what Ulquiorra was reading.

_The Prince_ by Machiavelli.

Keigo edged his seat away from Ulquiorra, especially when the latter took out a thin notebook and pen to start writing notes.

The class Ulquiorra was paying no attention to was useless anyways. Ichimaru-sensei taught first period, though everyone called him "Gin-sensei" (except Ichigo, who called him "Kitsune-sensei"). Gin-sensei, a silver-haired thin man with slitted eyes and a Grinch-like grin that spread from ear to ear, came to Karakura High as a substitute teacher when the previous math teacher was in a "mysterious accident." But rather than teaching calculus, Gin-sensei announced on the first day, "Yeah, so the subject I'll be teaching is Life."

He spent most of his time mocking the students, provoking reactions from them, and then analyzing their reactions.

Next period, Grimmjaw had ditched class, since it was Kuchiki-sensei's class. Japanese History was probably the most intense class. Kuchiki-sensei was infamous for his murderous tests and his harshness towards breaking school rules. But despite his apathetic attitude, he was voted as "the most stalked by high schoolgirls."

Most recently, Keigo learned Kuchiki-sensei was Rukia's older brother.

_They have to be siblings,_ Keigo thought, staring at the amoeba-like pictures Kuchiki-sensei was drawing on the chalkboard with a most serious expression. Rukia earnestly copied down the drawings with starry eyes.

After much prodding by his desperate classmates, Ichigo called out, "Byakuya, it's time for lunch."

Kuchiki-sensei turned around and flung a chalk at Ichigo, who caught it between his palms. "It's Kuchiki-sensei," he said. "And you have a minute left until lunch."

"The clock's wrong."

Kuchiki-sensei pulled back his sleeve to see his watch. After staring at the watch for a long moment, he placed the textbook on his desk. "Class dismissed."

* * *

Disclaimer: (forgot to add this the first time) No owning Bleach here. 


	2. Health Examination

**Chapter Two**

**Health Examination**

Keigo skipped over to Ichigo, paws clasped over sandwiches, singing, "Ichi--go-! We should go eat lunch!"

"Sure," Ichigo said. "Let's hurry before—"

There was a BANG! as the door flew open. Stopping halfway through their chatter, everyone turned to see the figure standing at the doorway. A blurred green object shot forward, squealing, "ICHIGO-!!"

It rammed into Ichigo's stomach, knocking the air (and some spit) out of him.

Keigo screamed in horror, fingers clawing his face. "Ichigo's on top of a girl!"

"Idiot, I'm UNDER one!" Ichigo yelled. He squirmed from underneath. "Uh, Nel-sempai, could you..."

Nel threw back her long, green hair (swatting Keigo in the face) and threw her arms around Ichigo's head, burying him into her chest. "I missed you, Ichigo! I missed you so much!" She raised his head with both hands, smiling into his face. "Let's have lunch together."

Mizuiro tapped Ichigo on the shoulder. "Nel-sempai seems to have a soft heart for you."

"Why?!" Keigo blared out. "Why would the goddess of the third years (and breasts) have a thing for this grouch-face?"

"Because I have fun with Ichigo," Nel said.

Keigo's face turned mushy and he held out both hands (suspiciously). "You can have fun with me, Nel-semp—"

Nel punched him in the face.

Mizuiro tapped on Ichigo's shoulder once more. "If you don't like Nel-sempai, can I go after her?" he said.

Ichigo stared at him. "Nel-sempai isn't _that _much older than you," he said. "Technically."

After shaking Nel off ("I'll see you on the roof later, Ichigo!"), Keigo & co. climbed up to the roof, Ichigo seeking quiet, Keigo seeking his "friends-get-together" time, and Mizuiro seeking...something.

Unfortunately, they didn't get any of that when they reached the roof.

Rather than being empty, the roof was jam-packed with the weirdest assortment of people. In the center of the roof was a badminton match between the baldy Ikkaku, who had a racket in one hand and a wooden sword in the other, and a tiny girl with short pink hair, who bounced through the air like a superball, squealing, "Wheeeeeeee!"

Ikkaku served. But by "serve," he threw the birdie in the air and then smashed it to the other end so hard, feathers exploded when his racket connected. Poor naked birdie was then smacked back by the pink haired girl who, giggling, returned it with the same force.

Ikkaku skidded across the ground to hit the birdie high into the air. Yachiru jumped to smash and cried triumphantly, "I win, Ikka-chan!" when the sunlight reflected off Ikkaku's shiny head and rebounded straight into Yachiru's eyes.

Yachiru fell the ground, screaming. She writhed on the ground, her hands clamped over her eyes. "Ken-chan! I'm blind! Blinded by Ikka's Bald Head! Ken-chan!"

"Shut up!" Ikkaku yelled, turning beet-red. "Admit that you lost like a man! And I'm not bald!"

Yamichika was standing at the side, half-watching the match, half-watching himself in his handy mirror.

Aside from the badminton match (which was more like a war zone), there was someone sitting at the edge of the roof, reading a book. It was Ulquiorra, who was reading a new book—_The Art of War_—as he sipped on his soymilk. He placed down the milk carton, his only lunch, to mark the page.

Keigo shivered when he saw Ulquiorra but goosebumps began to crawl all over his body (he wiggled), when he felt an ominous aura from the other end of the roof.

Glowering at them, cold eyes focusing on Ichigo, was Grimmjaw, squatting with his arms hanging over his legs (the delinquent pose). He had a piece of beef jerky hanging from his mouth and when he began to chew on it, the most bone-chilling grinding followed.

Keigo shoved Ichigo to Grimmjaw, saying, "He's all yours, Grimmjaw-sama."

"Keigo, you—" Ichigo started but he stopped to swipe something that flew straight at him.

It was the half-eaten beef jerky. Grimmjaw spat on the ground. "You're late," he said to Ichigo.

Ichigo sighed. "Let's move this somewhere else," he said.

Grimmjaw grinned. "Why? I like it here." He drew a sword and beckoned at Ichigo. "Come on. What are you waiting for?"

_Where in the world did that sword come from? _Keigo gaped. "Oy, Mizuiro, you think this is getting a bit dangero—" Keigo started, turning around.

Mizuiro had already disappeared.

"Are you guys having a fight?" Ikkaku said, holding a broken racket. "I'll join." He threw the racket over his shoulder.

Keigo blinked. Rubbed his eyes. He wondered how the wooden sword in Ikkaku's hand had turned into a real sword.

"Back off!" Grimmjaw spat. "I have no reason to fight with you." He didn't even swing his sword but Keigo felt the wind blow in his face.

"Me too! Me too!" Yachiru squealed. "Count me in too!"

Keigo watched the strange fight beginning to brew. _This must be a dream, _he tried to convince himself. _A very bad dream. Wake up, Keigo! Wake up! Wake up! Or at least dream of these freaks turning into pretty girls with--_

When a burst of energy came flying his way, slicing his cheek and reducing the wall behind him to rubble, the following equation lodged into his mind: _pain _equals _not a dream _equals _RUN!_

Keigo was prepared to run when he heard a crinkle.

At the other end of the roof, Ulquiorra had a soymilk carton scrunched up in his fist. Apparently, the last attack had punctured a hole into the carton. Soymilk squirted out of the hole, spraying him in the face.

Ulquiorra lowered his book. The look in his green eyes was something that was worth mosaic-ing (rated R). He raised a finger, whispering one word,

"_Cero._"

There was an explosion.

* * *

Keigo managed to survive. 

After all, he had a very important mission ahead of him.

A mission that he would sacrifice his life for. A mission that meant all the heavens. After lunch, it was the Health Examination. The prime opportunity to spy on girls changing as they measured their scrumptious bodies.

So Keigo was on this mission. He crawled across the ground, military-style, his goal, the doctor's office, only a few meters ahead of him. As long as he didn't get caught by Dr. Unohana (the most caring and gentle-spoken woman who would do nothing more than chide Keigo anyway), everything would go perfectly. Except...

Right next to Keigo, crawling with him, was a grown man wearing a straw hat and a haori patterned with pink flowers. It was Kyoraku-sensei, who had a pair of cherry blossom branches to conceal himself.

There could have been nothing more conspicuous than this.

"Kyoraku-sensei!" a girl called out. "You're supposed to be teaching class!"

Kyoraku-sensei stood up. "Fufufufu...Lovely ladies, I came here to gather cute girls such as yourselves to teach...(drumroll, Nanao-chan!)...Drinking Class!"

_No such class exists! _thought Keigo.

Dr. Unohana poked her head out of the doctor's office, a smile on her face. "Kyoraku-sensei, you are disturbing the examination. Nanao-sensei?"

With that, the assistant teacher Nanao-sensei crept behind and knocked Kyoraku-sensei out by smacking him in the head with the pair of drumsticks. She dragged him away.

"Keigo-kun," Dr. Unohana said kindly. "The boys are having their Health Examination in the basement with Mayuri-sensei."

Keigo felt a chill. He also felt a hard clamp on his shoulder and when he turned around, there was ­the biology assistant teacher, Nemu, staring into his eyes in silence. Despite her slim figure, Nemu easily hauled him over her shoulder and carried him like a sack of rice (despite his cries of protest and kicks) to the basement.

In the basement was the biology room. The boys of class 2-1 were huddled in a corner, terrified eyes like that of cattle being readied for slaughter. Ishida and Ichigo were in deep discussion about their serious predicament. Grimmjaw had ditched. And Ulquiorra had somehow received "special permission" to be excluded from the Examination.

Keigo was the first victim.

He stepped inside the room (more like pushed in). Keigo nearly jumped out of skin. Lining the walls were bottles filled with chloroformed, shriveled heads with faces twisted in grotesque pain. One of the heads even looked like a student who had mysteriously "transferred to a new school."

_Almighty Lord, _Keigo prayed. _I swear to never again look at girls' panties from under the escalator. I swear I'll stop spreading false rumors about Ichigo's cross-dressing habit__--_

His prayers weren't answered. Before Keigo could react, he found himself suddenly strapped to an operation table with a creepy man wearing the freakiest mask leering over him. Mayuri-sensei's toothy grin grew wider as he said, "What to cut off first?"

"CUT OFF?!" Keigo shrieked.

"Don't be a fool," said Mayuri-sensei. "Struggling will only make it worse. Should I cut off the arm that is getting in the way?"

He moved towards Keigo's arm who twisted as hard as he could to get free. "Tch," Mayuri-sensei said. "I should cut off the ears, which you aren't using. Or I could cut off the mouth, which you're using too much. Or even..." His eyes trailed down. "I wonder if the male human can still piss without--"

Keigo's screams echoed throughout the basement.

* * *

_Reflections_

A great thank you to all the reviewers (reviews are the blood we vampirey writers live on).

This chapter was a bit longer than the previous one and less description-centric, but hopefully more engaging.

Next Chapter: School Festival (dunno when I'll be updating...)


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